What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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