Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
