Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I deserve this hangover.
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