This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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