Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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