Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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