but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
