From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
