On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
