very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Hippo gnu deer
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
