Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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