I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.