I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.