the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
