Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
