if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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