the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
