I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
