I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
