I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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