I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
