My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
