My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
