I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.