I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
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Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.