Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.