sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
