he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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