i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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