i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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