I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
