Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
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I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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