proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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