he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
