it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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