she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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