i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
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it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
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My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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