I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
