Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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