Please, let me fuck your mom
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
