Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Randomize
