He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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