the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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