look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
