Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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