apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
