My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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