wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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