Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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