Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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