I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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