I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
