He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
