Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
