oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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