i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
