So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
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i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
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I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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